As part of my mission to educate and inform, I tried to reach Dr Gary Weaver for interview.
He was very genial when first approached, and agreed to do the interview. However, when we began, and I asked him “what message would you like to give our listeners?”, his terse response was “go away”.
“Is that me, or your message to the listeners?”
Dr Weaver, erudite as always, muttered “just a bunch of pillocks, all of yer…”, and hung up.
After doing some research, I was extremely impressed to discover that the rumours were true. Dr Weaver is currently translating Boeninghausen’s Therapeutic Pocket Book into ancient Scandinavian slang – and was wittily testing the waters, as it were, by use of the word relating to the section on male genitalia…
Although Dr Weaver is a known recluse, I persisted in my attempts to interview him. After all, I felt, the public should know. In the light of subsequent events, perhaps I should have concluded that the public would be better served by the old adage, so frequently borne out these days, that “ignorance is bliss”.
Several restraining orders later, I achieved my goal. Dr Gary Weaver was waiting to be interviewed. I knew he would not hang up this time. This perhaps was because of the two thugs I had hired, disguised as two old ladies, who were holding him down.
“So Dr Weaver,” I asked, “can you tell us something about your background?”
“No,” he replied, succinct as ever. Dr Weaver always believed in the importance of brevity as the art of wit, together with a firm understanding of the value of the diluted and potentized remark. A truly impressive icon in modern-day homoeopathy.
“And,” I moved on swiftly, “what do you think of homeopaths today?”
At this point, Dr Weaver truly amazed me with his learning and erudition. I was not aware that he had such knowledge. For about 10 minutes he regaled us with his in depth knowledge of the Therapeutic Pocket Book sections and rubrics relating to Female Genitalia, Male Genitalia, and Rectum, Stool. In several languages too. He also discussed his belief in the importance of teaching surgery through experiental means, as he repeated how crucial it was to “cut them a new one”.
I was overjoyed at Dr Weaver’s responsiveness, at his willingness to share his deepest beliefs and extensive knowledge with our listeners. I also was informed that my thugs were currently sitting on him, which probably accounted for the somewhat muffled quality of the call. So I asked the following question – which in retrospect I realize I should have thought through in more depth.
“Dr Weaver,” I began, “we all know that homoeopathy as taught by Hahnemann had its limits.” At this point I heard strange growlings over the microphone, but tragically assumed it was the dog. “As I was saying,” I continued, “I’m sure you recognize the tremendous improvements modern homoeopaths have instituted which go far beyond Hahnemann, in their use of sensation methods, periodic tables, advanced transmission methods such as name on paper and hair transmission…”
At this point, I could no longer continue. The sound was completely broken up with strange yelps, inhuman screeching, and the very human shrieks of my two thugs, who apparently were being tossed bodily into a shallow swimming pool, together with the microphone, which at that point went dead.
Since I was recording this interview at a safe distance (two continents away), I am happy to reassure our readers that I was not harmed. But I did have to wait until the news networks took over.
“Strange lights appear over building in Florida” the news program anchor announced. “As a crowd formed in the streets outside, smoke was seen issuing from the one storey building. People gazed, hoping for a sighting of a UFO coming down, but were treated to the sight of Dr Gary Weaver, DO, Sir, notorious homeopath and erstwhile unlicensed surgeon of proctology, going up. In a jet of flame, smoke billowing all around him, accompanied by some odd celestial music distinctly reminiscent of 10CC’s classic “Dreadlock Holiday”, Dr Gary Weaver is the first human being to launch, independently, into outer space. The Pentagon is working on ways to point him at Iran.”
I was strangely moved by this report. My first thought and emotion was sadness at how, if he was unable to jet back, entire sections of repertory and materia medica relating to female and male genitalia, together with rectum, stool, would be lost to homoeopathy forever. My second thought, however, was that since there is no need any more to repertorize due to diligent homoeopaths who have developed meditative, dream, sensation, elemental, and agoraphobic methods for determining prescriptions – it would be no great loss.
At that point, however, realization dawned. If he ever returned, Dr. Weaver, in his self-launch demonstrating his personal willingness for self-sacrifice in the cause of homoeopathy, was offering homoeopaths the greatest gift since the first coming of Samuel Hahnemann – a proving of Ballistichomeopath (BallsH) 1000000000M. Since this remedy, although as yet unproven, is in tremendous demand these days, Dr Weaver (or his ashes) is to be highly commended for his services to homoeopathy. Until his whereabouts are known, we invite all participants to join us in a memorial service via hair transmission.